sometimes funny, occasionally nude.

Mostly, I'm a writer.

12 Valuable Skills That Should Probably Be on My Resume

1. Always turns on the correct burner to boil water.

2. Never sleeps through an alarm.

3. Can fold a fitted sheet.

4. Can walk past canvassers anywhere without being solicited for a donation.

5. Rinses dishes every time. 

6. Uses a phone through contract without cracking the screen or dropping in the toilet.

7. Can walk in heels (chooses not to).

8. Uses proper punctuation, even in texts.

9.  Finishes a full tube of chapstick without losing.

10. Has avoided pregnancy for more than 12 years without birth control.

11. Always has a pen.

12. Almost never steps in dog poop.

30: Congratulations, You're an Adult (No, Seriously.) (My New Book)

If Resumes Looked Like Job Listings